Sunday, October 25, 2009

well. today was an interesting day. after last night. i was thinking. why m i still holding on. why do i still harbour hope. afterall. wad we used to have is dead and gone. a real thing of the past. moving on. people change. situations and circumstances change. its inevitable. why do i spend so much energy trying to win something back. i shud expound my energy on things more worthwhile right. even in the rigours of camp life. at least i know i have a boss hu says thanks. even if i spend times with my frens and with the cell group and i know that i ll never have anyone mutually exclusive in a sense of having a relationship. but when u sum it all together, i know i m loved, supported and appreciated. this environment is the best to grow in. i dont wanna be subject to abuse and rejection any longer.

so i told myself. i ll take wad u wanna give. but i ll not go out of my way or think up any more grand ideas. i felt. ok. maybe its time to really treat u like a fren. maybe its time to go back in time. to remember the day u and i went to shop for matthews present. wad the relationship was like back then. and start all over. so i packed up wad i felt would sway for conviction. i didnt pack everything u gave me, but i packed all the love letters and notes, the cresendo book, the birthday cards, the photo albums, all the more special gifts like the ring, the dog tag, the couple necklace, the neoprints, orangey, those that in particular would stir my heart and retrive any sentiments. i decided i wanted to return them to u till one day when i can look at u and know that i have no lingering feelings that ll hurt you or hurt myself, then i want everything back for keepsake. but u took it the wrong way. sometimes i totally dont understand the way u react. maybe one day, when time has run its full course, u can explain to me in a more calm manner. maybe in the future, when i grow and learn to comprehend women more, i ll see the error in that action.

so i went to church. the plastic bag full of stuff. it went into the bin. i was thinking to myself. i dont wanna lug this all back and feel sad about it. i really wanted to move on. neither did i want to show a third party and have that person reading this and going wow, u guys were so much in love then. believe me. i know we used to be in love. lol. so i thought. if i m gonna dispose of it. i ll dispose of it all, in the house of God and i ll leave it all in His hands.

during praise and worship earlier. God showed me a picture of a kid riding a bike. He said, when u started out, I was always there to hold you. But after awhile, I had to let go and let you ride on ur own. But when u fell down, i was there to pick you up. I was and will always be there for you. But all the days of ur life, i dont just want u to be learning how to ride the bike. you have to be telling everyone about ur learning experience of this ride, and implore them to engage in this learning process as well. interesting.

i went down for service. Pastor preached a word. After awhile i just stopped writing notes. i just listened cus i felt God was starting to speak, to move. indeed. while pastor was speaking. God just spoke to me. remember three and a half years ago. when u first wanted to get together with her. you were told to wait. I know that a relationship was a good and uplifting thing, and thats how I purpose all relationships to be. but back then, u didnt understand alot of things in the spirit. u were like the people of israel. having been a church and having a spiritual family, u were receiving my daily manna and provision. u arrived at the mountain of sinai, where i asked you to wait upon me. but u wanted ur canaan so much. i gave you your canaan. but steadily, u realised i was no longer with u. your milk soon turned sour and ur honey eventually turned bad. even though i gave u your promise land, the desires of your heart, eventually you were like the children of israel. u realised afterawhile, there was no longer an objection to ur relationship. u were living so much in the blessing, that you totally forgot abour your relationship with Me, that you turned away from my word and my ways. it turned out this way, because you were not a true worshipper, because it became a relationship plus one. but i tell you all these not to hurt you or make you sadder, but so u ll understand.

it occurred to me so so much for the first time in years. i wept and wept. really. the love that You have shown me in the last weeks are beyond any i have felt in my life. it was knowledge. but now. it has becomed my experience and Revelation. immediately, i saw a sanctuary like the one in final fantasy revenant wings. haha. and He told me. i will give you peace.

the last month. i was fighting and i was hurting. the last month. i found You. i was finally broken. i thank You. Your joy is my strength. now, i m ready to move forward.

because i lacked understanding, but you made me understand. but now i understand, even though it took awhile. i release it all. and i ll not bother me anymore.

went for lunch after. i had a conversation with caleb, then yongling, then jac. went to jurong point to hang out with grace and kaixin. i m glad that, once again, i find myself at mount sinai. once again, i find myself in the wilderness. but there ll be no more golden calf. i ll wait and worship. my priority is You.

|cowpoo| 9:16 PM|

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